Blog

Repeating the Past

May 6, 2021

(This is a summary of a more comprehensive article in Psychology Today) Why would you repeat the past? Why would you date or marry someone just like the father or mother who was most problematic for you? It seems to happen quite often, even though it would make more sense to look for a partner with opposite traits. Though never formally studied, this phenomenon has been observed by most psychotherapists and psychiatrists and was first recognized by Sigmund Freud, who named it “repetition compulsion.” In it, you would repeat a difficult relationship or event over and over again. This includes reenacting the event itself or putting yourself in situations where it is likely to happen again. This phenomenon is also described at

Couples Loving Each Other

February 8, 2021

Couples Loving Each Other I just finished The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman, an extremely popular self-help book that has inspired couples since 1992. The idea of it is that the key to revitalization and repair of any relationship is to pay attention to how each person likes to be loved. The challenge is that we all like to be loved in different ways and that we need to learn our partner’s “love language.” Fortunately, Chapman explains that there are five basic love languages and that we can discover ours and our partners through a brief, and I think fun, online quiz. By speaking our partner’s love language we make sure that we are giving them what they value most

Cultivating Mindfulness

December 9, 2020

Mindfulness has emerged in the past few decades as a powerful tool to maintain our equilibrium as we deal with difficult emotions. It’s a state of active, open attention to the present, that involves observing one’s thoughts and feelings without making judgements. It is rooted in Hindu and Buddhist teachings but became more formally studied in the late 1970’s and ultimately incorporated into evidence-based mainstream mental health care in the twenty-first century. It’s a technique that most of us have to learn because it runs counter to the all-too-human tendencies to not be in the moment and to judge ourselves and our circumstances, tendencies so well portrayed in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Made Simple by Seth Gillihan that I’ve opted to share portions

Facing Challenges

May 22, 2020

Nine Principles to Guide You It’s easy to feel lost and confused when faced with a fresh challenge in life. In working with hundreds of people over the years, I have found that these nine principles apply to a wide array of problems, setbacks, and losses, and provide an extremely useful way of seeing things and figuring out what to do next. I’ve put them all together in one place so you can see how they fit together and reach for the one you need at the time. Live a life of joy more than obligation. Find a routine that leaves you busier with things you want to do than things you feel you should do. See anything imperfect as

The Mind-Body Connection: Physical Symptoms Can Be Clues to Hidden Feelings

February 4, 2020

Often, it’s hard to tune in to how you feel about someone or something. One of the very best ways to do it is to understand your mind-body connection and heed Shakira’s advice to “Read the signs of your body.” Physical Symptoms Physical symptoms, like breaking out into a sweat, feeling your heart pound, or feeling a knot in your stomach, often accompany strong emotions like anxiety, anger, or depression. But sometimes they can be signs that you are having these emotions without being aware of them. Occasionally these symptoms can be a sign of disease, so be on the safe side and have your primary medical doctor rule out medical causes for any scary new sensations. Incidentally, body postures like slumping, or

Self-Talk and Improved Mood

April 18, 2017

When you take responsibility for feelings rather than blame people or circumstances beyond your control, you seize the power to change and grow and make your life better. What you say to yourself about a situation often has more impact on your mood than anything else. So if you can become more aware of your self-talk and replace your bad habits with good ones, then you can have a powerful effect on how you feel each and every day. Improving your self-talk is especially good for people who frequently feel anxious, depressed, angry, or bad about themselves. You can do this by keeping a log of your most troubling reactions and reviewing it with your therapist. Be sure to note the

The Good News about Personal Responsibility

January 16, 2017

Don’t you just hate having to take responsibility for things? Isn’t it so much easier to blame the person you’re with or chalk it up to circumstances beyond your control? As I like to say: If something happens once, it’s because of that other jerk. If it happens twice, it’s really bad luck. And if it happens three times, it’s you. Let’s say a fight flares up between you and your boyfriend or girlfriend. Don’t you hate having to admit you were wrong or that you, at least, contributed to the problem? It can make you feel bad about yourself or put the onus on you to apologize and behave better in the future. Who needs it? It’s better to

How to Build Self-Esteem

November 5, 2016

To have self-esteem means to think well of yourself, based on a kind but realistic assessment of your strengths and weaknesses. Feeling good about yourself can make you feel happier, more worthy of good things, and more secure in the face of setbacks.If you’ve never had great self-esteem or your self-esteem has been hurt by recent criticism, rejection, or failure, then here are five ways to build/rebuild it. 1) Assess and Appreciate Yourself a) Take inventory of your strengths and weaknesses. Start with four strengths and one weakness. You may have trouble seeing your strengths, so be prepared to ask a friend, family member, or therapist for help. Many of us have been raised to be modest. We may discount our

Our Habits: What Is Too Much of a Good Thing?

September 6, 2016

When it comes to our habits, What is too much of a good thing? How do you know when you drink too much? And for that matter, how do you know when you smoke pot, watch porn, shop, or use social media too much? If you have a guilty pleasure (or complicated way of coping) is it something to minimize and avoid or something to enjoy without fretting? The answer lies in a complete, honest assessment of the good and bad things that come with your habit. Yes, drinking wine, gambling, and binge-watching bring us good things. Unless we’re complete Puritans, we all must admit that relaxation, excitement, confidence, and escape are good things. What does your habit do for you? Does it enhance your social life,

Recommended Self-Help Books and Sites

July 2, 2016

I encourage the people to learn as much as possible about their mental health and the particular issues on their plate. Often you can get a lot more out of psychotherapy when you’re willing to work on your issues in between sessions as well as during your sessions. That way, you continue to be the motivating force for change in your life and set the pace for your own personal growth. The following are self-help books and Websites that my patients and I have found helpful in facing a variety of different challenges: Couples’ Conflicts: The Dialog of Intimacy by the American Association of Couples and Sex Therapists Conflicts at Work: Harvard Business Review Guide to Dealing with Conflict by Amy Gallo Career Change: What Color is

Couples Handling Conflict

June 13, 2016

Every couple has conflicts, those topics that seem to turn you into instant adversaries. And whenever anyone brings one of them up, someone’s feelings end up getting hurt. Well, today’s post is for couples handling just such conflicts. Here is how to get started. Don’t bring up complicated topics, like her spending or his mom coming to stay with you, when your spouse is tired or busy. Let them know you want to bring up something with them and agree on an appropriate place and time. Make sure you both know the ground rules, like no name-calling, yelling, personal attacks, or any kind of uncontrolled anger. If someone breaks these rules, either spouse can call a time-out and come back to the

How to Fight Depression

May 8, 2016

When we feel sad or blue about something, we say that we’re depressed. But when we’re depressed and drained of all drive to do anything about it, then we have depression. Depression is a medical condition that affects over 20% of people at one point or another in their lifetime. The odds are that sometime in the future you or someone close to you will encounter depression. So it’s important to know what to do. We’re very fortunate these days to have medications that deal well with depression, but they don’t do the whole job. And if you follow my advice on how to fight depression, you may not even need them. Fighting depression might seem impossible to someone who is depressed.

Coping Strategies as Psychological Defenses

April 22, 2016

When we get hit with a piece of bad news, it can stress us out and make us feel anxious, sad, angry, or ashamed, sometimes in ways that we’re not even aware of. Some of these feelings can be outright overwhelming or unacceptable. Whoa! Imagine you’re a wealthy woman who discovers her husband married her for her money or a high school football star slowly realizing he may be gay. Yikes, that’s why we use defenses. Defense is another name for coping strategy, especially one that we use automatically, without thinking about it at all. Immature (or childlike) defenses numb the pain by keeping us oblivious to our uncomfortable feelings and often involve denial, rewriting, and acting out. People can deny

Tips for Better Sleep

March 25, 2016

If you suffer from insomnia, don’t just reach for a pill. Try these tips for better sleep. Minimize noise, light, and excessive temperatures when you’re sleeping. Try using an eye mask, earplugs, white noise maker, air filter or air conditioning. Consider using a weighted blanket. They have been shown to be especially helpful for anxious sleepers. Establish a regular bedtime and wake-up time that offers 7-8 hours of sleep. Getting too little sleep during the week and catching up on the weekend can disrupt your body’s natural rhythms. Put yourself to sleep. Establish a relaxing bedtime routine like you would with a child. Read or watch a bedtime story, rather than talking, typing, playing a video game, or being physically active.

Inner Compass: Tuning In To Your Feelings

February 23, 2016

As we learned in my last post Inner Compass: Your Feelings Point the Way, emotions can help us make choices by giving us a vital compass that tells us where to go and who to get involved with. If we follow the directions of our inner compass, then we can make choices that feel authentic, enthusiastic, and sustainable. But being guided by your feelings isn’t as easy as it sounds. First of all, we can’t choose our feelings. And secondly, those feelings often turn out to be childlike, animal-or at least mammal-istic. Because of that, I often refer to a person’s deepest feelings as their Inner Child. Some people have trouble tuning into their inner feelings and some don’t. For most

Inner Compass: Your Feelings Point the Way

November 30, 2015

Emotions can help us make choices by giving us a vital compass that tells us where to go and who to get involved with. If we follow the directions of our inner compass, then we can make choices that feel authentic, enthusiastic, and sustainable. Imagine the difference between a life full of “I’m doing this because I want to” vs. “I’m doing this because I should.” But being guided by your feelings isn’t as easy as it sounds. First of all, we can’t choose our feelings. Sorry, folks, it’s terrifying but true: We have to play the hand we’re dealt. Try as you might, you can’t choose to like women instead of men. You can’t choose to be excited by

Inner Compass: Emotions

September 14, 2015

Emotions are feelings that represent an instinctive state of mind deriving from one’s circumstances or relationships with others. Stress, or pain, is a signal that something is wrong, and it comes in many unpleasant but helpful flavors. Pleasure is a signal that something is right, and it also comes in many flavors. These flavors are all the various emotions we human beings experience. They help us make choices and give us a vital compass that tells us where to go and who to spend time with. Emotions aren’t always obvious, and sometimes we can feel two or three at the same time. So whenever anything big happens in your life, it’s good to ask yourself, “How am I feeling about this?” The

Drinks, Drugs, Complicated Coping Strategies

July 14, 2015

In contrast to my post about Ten Great Coping Strategies, today I’d like to talk about a glass of wine and other coping strategies that can be very comforting and useful in moderation but can cause whole new problems in excess. Remember there are two fundamentally different ways to deal with stress in our lives: 1) direct strategies that help us master the problem at hand 2) indirect strategies that help us stay emotionally balanced in the meantime. In my last post, I suggested ten of these indirect coping strategies for folks to explore. Today I’ll discuss some others, ones that you may have even stumbled upon yourself, but these come with a caution. Pursuing them to excess can lead

Ten Great Coping Strategies

July 4, 2015

Today I’d like to talk about the range of things that people do to cope with stress, and specifically those tough realities that just aren’t going to go away no matter how hard we try. Let’s look at the many ways people seek “the serenity to accept what they cannot change,” and maybe you’ll get some ideas that might work for you. The next time forces in your life swirl out of control and make you anxious, sad, or angry, you may want to consider one of these ten strategies. Take a Time Out: Excuse yourself from whoever or whatever is upsetting you and take some time to catch your breath, identify your feelings, change your focus, regroup and take

What to Do About Stress

May 12, 2015

Like pain, stress is a signal that something is wrong or that something needs to be taken care of, and it comes in many forms, from worry and fear to sadness, guilt, boredom and more. Though some people prefer to stay oblivious to stress and just drink more or shop more—and I do appreciate the beauty of both—it’s best to acknowledge your stress, so you can figure out where it’s coming from and how to best cope with it. “Coping” is the word most people use for dealing well with stress, as opposed to excess drinking, shopping, eating, or video games, which we shrinks would refer to as poor coping. In my experience, good coping begins by identifying the source

Stress: It’s Like Pain

April 20, 2015

I find mental health to be very similar to physical health, and in fact two parts to the same big picture of you and how you are living your life. From a physical standpoint, when we’re out being busy and active, we expose ourselves to many hazards. To name a simple few, we may wear ill-fitting shoes, stub our toes, get stepped on by other people, or inadvertently step on them. All these can cause real pain and sometimes significant injury. From an emotional standpoint, life has a different set of hazards, which we in mental health call stressors. Whether it is suddenly being left by boyfriend, passed over for a well-deserved promotion, or facing serious new responsibilities, these stressors

Dr. Adam Cotsen